Archivo de la categoría: Personal Development

I am shy

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The other day I woke up thinking of a social event we had with other parents from the school. I was replaying some moments in my mind. Those where I approached people, hugged them and asked them about their summer, holidays, etc.; the one I am most proud of is when I introduced myself to a new parent.

You may think: “What’s special about that?! Introducing myself to someone new has always been a challenge for me. My story is one of a shy person. When I tell people that I am shy, some find it hard to believe, some can see me that I am hiding a little.

While I think it’s not easy for me to walk to someone and introduce myself, I tend to wait for the super social people to come to me. I admire people who can talk to anyone. It has taken me a lot of awareness and determination to take walk to someone and start a conversation. Even with people I know, if they are talking to someone else, I am very (too) cautious, I am afraid of interrupting or bothering them. This is the real cause: FEAR. I am not an introvert, I love having great conversations and spending time with people; as well as I like and enjoy to have my space every now and then.

In a session with a coach, I was oGirl hidingnce told that in a first impression I seemed prickly. I had heard people telling me that I looked pretty cold at the beginning but when they got to know me, I looked like a completely different person: warm, kind, fun. But I had never, ever been called prickly. Wow! That hurt. It doesn’t really matter what I was told, I am not prickly, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it speaks to protection. I protect myself from being hurt, from being rejected. It speaks to my fears.

I have recently been approached by a woman who had issues in her marriage. I could see the same pattern: she was afraid of rejection, it’s a pretty common one. So, I decided to speak to that, and have compassion for her. I said things I felt needed to be said and I felt she did not like me. I felt she was looking for a solution or potion to change her husband. Although I do my best not to take it personally, it still feels as rejection. I put myself out there, I try to help and I need to let go. I need to focus on those I can help, see if there’s any learning for me in the rejections, and let go. Maybe I am not the right person to help her, maybe she needs something else. Maybe it is about me, maybe it is not.

In the past, I have tried to be someone I am not, in order for people to like me, but it doesn’t work. It feels shallow, people smile at you but they don’t trust you, there’s no real connection, because they can’t see the real you.

Furthermore, if you do not take the risk to show up, to let people see who you really are, you miss the chance for them to love you and accept you for who you are. And that is really what we long for. It is a paradox, we protect ourselves because we are afraid people won’t like us; but if we don’t show as who we are, we’re not giving them the chance to like us.

I know that “I am shy” is a story, a story I tell myself to protect me from my fears, and I know I can change my story to one of compassion with myself and courage to keep getting out of my shell and meeting new beautiful and exciting people.  The more I embrace myself as I am, with my strengths and flaws, the more comfortable I am to show up and accept that some may like me, and some may not. But being able to connect with few, is worth it.

As I said in another post, I am a work in progress.

What is possible?

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Today I was looking at my blog feeling there was nothing else to say or write about. I know this is only true if I believe it. So, I moved myself into the space of what is possible?

In coaching we use geography. We ask clients to move in order to change the energy. Often we are stuck in our negative thoughts, powerless, unable to the possibilities. But there’s always a different way to look at things, it’s like the example of a half empty/half full glass, the way we see it will depend on the person, or the mood.

When we try to accomplish things in the space of limited possibilities, the results will show. They will be average, and it will feel we have to push to get things done.

Whereas, if we can connect with the essence of what we want to achieve and why; if we can look at the sky and believe for a second that anything is possible, we get into a space of expansion and new ideas. Our projects become much more rich in quality, much easier and fun to do.

I have been in brainstorming sessions where people start throwing in ideas and others immediately respond: “This is very difficult”, “we have tried this before and it didn’t work”, “our customers will not value this”, … So what happens is that we lose momentum and people stop thinking out of the box, we are automatically limiting our possibilities.

Inside ourselves we have conversations like that: a voice trying to bring in possibilities, and another thinking of the limitations. Be aware of those conversations inside yourself and around you, and ponder this question for a while: What is possible?

Uncertainty: A Space for creation I

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It has been around three weeks since we heard the news about the company my husband works for. We are still in a place of not knowing. Not knowing how long we will be here, not knowing where we will be next.

The more we want to know, the worse it gets. When we receive some information, filtered from someone else’s point of view, we enter in doubt.

The only thing that is truly working at this point is being very centered. Being in the moment, taking care of ourselves. Choosing to embrace this situation, instead of doubt. In moments of great uncertainty it is easy to let ourselves go with doubt. Of course there are a lot of question marks, but we are always at choice, either chose staying with the doubt or to move into creating the life that we want.

In a moment where everything in our lives is in the air, with lots of question marks, it is also a moment of great possibilities. Anything could happen. Anything is possible until we’re told not to. Then, why don’t we chose to stay with the possibilities?

We grow wanting to control everything but we can’t. We feel uncomfortable with not knowing and with uncertainty. But that’s what living in the present is. We only know what’s here now. So this is a great challenge for us to live in the present, be grateful, enjoy and envision our new future, our new adventure.

I will be writing more about this experience and how it turns out…

An illusion of feeling trapped

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One of my patterns is to get very excited about something, have a lot of energy to start working on it and then stopping.

It happens especially if it is something important to me. My fears show as confusion, I have a false sense of being trapped and I find myself pushing things that seem not to work and then stopping.

The pattern is still there but I can now recognize it and quickly recover.

One of my strengths is “Bounce back”. Whatever the obstacle I come up against, it makes me more determined to succeed.

This strength is very helpful to recover when I feel trapped. The more aware I am of what’s going on, the quicker I can respond. Yesterday I was writing and fell into my pattern of confusion and feeling trapped. What I wrote seemed not clear enough and I seemed not able to write anything better, the more I tried, the worse it looked. This morning I clearly saw what was going on. The realization made me more determined and started writing again. The outcome was still not perfect, is it ever?

What matters is not what I the outcome, it is the awareness of what’s going on and taking action. Getting back on track keeps me out of the false sense of entrapment and slowly brings in more clarity.

We can all change our patterns and behaviors but doing so requires awareness. Often it requires to dig deep to find out what drives those patterns and behaviors.

Taking a pause increases productivity

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I mentioned in my previous post that I was taking the time to go deeper in my current experience.

I have been meditating this morning, my son woke me up after 4am. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to use the quiet time to get centered and unblock the energy.

Morning before school with kids has gone much smoother than any other day of the past week. In terms of work, I have been able to get things done today, things I was struggling with yesterday or the day before.

Right now, I notice myself much more positive and confident.

In this case my pause doesn’t seem like one really because I took time from my sleep. But I really started yesterday when I decided to drop everything I was trying to accomplish and go for a walk.

A pause doesn’t have to be a meditation or a walk. It can be a dance, gym, a run. Whatever helps quiet the mind. When the mind is quiet, there’s shift in energy. We are present and we see more clearly.

In the toughest times in my professional life, I remember I would purposefully take small breaks to clear my mind. Sometimes I would just look at the birds through the window in my office. Or I would stop to take deep breaths, walk, etc. For some it was strange, I would see people rushing up and down, while I was taking a little bit of distance. That “distance” allowed me to retake my challenges with much more clarity and efficiency. So why wait until the end of our work shift to take a pause?

If you are interested in knowing more about Mindfulness, check Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s bibliography

Work in progress

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I am doing an exercise to go deeper in the experience of what’s going on right now in our lives. There are many question marks.

We moved to this region for an assignment that is now over. There may or may not be something else to do here in the coming months. We don’t know where we are going next.

We made the assumption that we would have some months to “plan” the next move (in a couple of years). Nevertheless, the current changes are forcing us to look at the options much sooner than expected and probably with less time to plan.

We try to stay positive, trust that the outcome will be good. We trust we’ll be treated with respect and care, but we don’t know what’s out there for us in the near future.

As per myself, I quit my job to come here; I have started up a business that still needs time to grow. I am not sure how much energy to invest in it right now. Therefore, I am using the same strategy I used in 2009 when we were experiencing drastic changes at work. I take time to stay grounded, open and positive. I keep my goals in mind, working towards them, but being very flexible. There is a big chance that my goals will need to change, but the essence will still be there: the reasons why.

I am apparently very calm, but I catch myself reacting over little things. I have a tendency to control. The energy that drives the controller in me is good, it is the drive to start new projects, take initiative, and so forth. But when I react, I am like a bulldozer and I can hurt people. So, it’s important for me to be aware of it and my impact. So that I can refocus the energy into what’s needed at the moment. That usually gives me great inner peace.  So, when I catch myself reacting, I take a pause to adjust something. I don’t expect myself not to react, but I am more and more aware of when I do it and I recover quicker and quicker. That’s progress and that’s what really matters.

Life is full of suprises

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We received shocking news yesterday. The plant my husband has been working for will cease production and will close down. We knew the situation was not sustainable and something had to happen, this was one of the options. However, when it happens, it’s always a shock, even when things are conducted in a very elegant way, like in this case.

I first thought it was ironic, I always talk about change, how positive it is… I am seeing lots of changes around lately, each of them bigger than the one before. The more I deal with change, the easier it is for me. There’s less and less resistance and more understanding for the need of all systems and all things to change and evolve.

Now I consciously chose to surrender to the changes. I surrender with trust. I trust myself, I trust everyone close to me will be fine.

From my perspective, there’s a big difference between giving up and surrendering. A friend was offering an analogy for me today: surrendering is following the stream, let the river take its course without fighting it, knowing it is the safest thing to do. If you decide to go upstream (resist it), your energy will drain. Giving up in this analogy would mean leting yourself drown.

Right now there’s a need to be with what is present: There’s uncertainty about so many things, sadness to let go of things and people, there’s care for one another. There’s also possibilities, new opportunities. When something ends, something else begins. At present I am even more appreciative of what we have, I enjoy more the little things and little moments. My priorities have changed, they evolve less around what I have to do and more around staying centered, being with loved ones and allowing things to unfold.

Life is full of surprises.

Where do I end and where does the other person begin in the relationship?

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I was having a very interesting conversation with a very smart woman earlier today. We connect in a kind of spiritual way (oops, that may scare some of you…). We have a similar philosophy in life but we do completely different things in our life and we got to where we are now through completely different paths.

I have created my own philosophies or belief systems around life through life experiences, coaching, leadership, kinesiology, reading, etc. And she has evolved through her connection with God, nature and animals. Isn’t it amazing how we all have our different ways to evolve? I think it is fascinating!iStock_000008038202Medium

I had to learn that lesson with my husband. When I started with kinesiology, it worked so well for me; then it was the coaching. Because both worked great for me, I wanted my husband to try the same things. But he is not me, he has his own path, and he learns differently than me, because he is different. He has his qualities, I have mine; he has his stories, I have mine; and the things that can get to me, do not necessarily get to him. So, at a certain moment, I could understand that and let go. I could stop trying to control. I stopped telling him he should do this or that. I could offer something and then let it go. He is in charge of his life, I am in charge of mine. No need to mention, my intentions were good, I was trying to help him, but often, it’s difficult to see where we cross a line. I know he is growing and has the right to chose what he wants to do or not to. My belief that we are all creative, resourceful and whole helps me be aware of that line in my relationships with him, with kids and anyone else. Thanks Co-Active™ Coaching for teaching me that.

In this conversation we were having earlier this morning, we were talking about relationships, trying to separate ourselves from the other persons. When we are in a relationship, it’s often difficult to see where we end and the others begin, especially in a very intimate one. My story above is an example of how difficult it is to be me and let you be you in a marriage.

Emotions are contagious and we are sometimes not aware whether they are ours, or someone else’s. Have you ever entered a room where everybody is laughing or crying and you start feeling the same? If you have, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Imagine someone at work  having an argument and we immediately feel the tension, the anger. If we’re not aware of that, we may be carrying those emotions with us onto our interactions with other people, or just within ourselves. Remember what we talked about the impact of stress and relationships in our health, from my previous post? We don’t want to carry anger around, we want to let it inform us, and let go of it.

Another confusing factor in a relationship is taking things personally. Miguel Ruiz in his book The 4 Agreements says: Don’t take anything personally. When someone reacts to us in a certain way, we tend to think their reaction is about us. Why are they mean to us, when we’re being nice? They should be happy for us, etc. We may not stop to consider it’s about them and their story. For instance, when a sibling is jealous because something good happened to us. The reaction may have nothing to do to us, because it may have to do with his or her story about their childhood. Maybe as a child, they felt left apart and they still carry that feeling with them unconsciously. Or maybe they just wish they had the same as you do. The reaction is about their story, not about us. When we deeply understand that it’s not about us, we can take the necessary distance to let the relationship or the situation inform us, as Deepak Chopra teaches us: “Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

Note that when I talk about a relationship, I am talking about all our interactions with someone else. Sometimes relationships are long and very intimate, like spouses or parent/child relationships. Others, are brief interactions with our hair stylist, the cleaner, the delivery boy. Sometimes they take place at work: with a boss; the people who report to us; the work mate sitting next to us in the office; and so forth. Whatever I talk about relationships, it applies to all, the difference amongst them is the impact they have on our life, how much they weight, or how much we’ll want to fight for them. Nonetheless, they inform us and we always get to chose how we are going to meet or deal the other person and whether something needs change. I don’t believe in coincidences, things happen for a reason, and the kind of relationships that we have in our life are there for a reason. I do believe we can have the relationships that we want in our life.