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It all starts with YOU

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When individuals face tensions in their relationships, either professional or personal, there’s a tendency to complain about others and expect them to change. By doing that, we are giving our power away. We are giving the others the power to make us feiStock_000014805365Mediumel good or not: “He makes me angry”. However, by taking responsibility, by being aware that we are always at choice we feel empowered

We have no control over other people and cannot make them change, for that reason it is a waste of time to try and change the others. Nevertheless we can always choose how we deal with a situation, how it affect us and what we take from it. For instance:

  • We can choose to stay victims of the circumstances, or we can choose to feel empowered
  • We can choose to blame and judge, or to be curious and compassionate
  • We can choose to ignore, or we can choose to be aware
  • We can choose to do nothing, or we can choose to take action
  • We can choose to be numb, or we can choose to be open and vulnerable, in favor of connection

Furthermore, the more we work on ourselves, the more we choose, the more we will be influencing what surrounds us.

Below are some helpful questions to start working on ourselves, they are grouped by types of relationships:

a)      Leadership: How am I doing as a leader? What’s my impact? Do I have a clear vision? How well do I communicate it? Are people engaged with this vision? Do I trust my team? Do they trust me?

b)      Parenting: How am I with my children? Do I listen? Am I checking my emails or doing something else while we’re together? What’s truly important for me? What’s important for my children?

c)       Couples: Are you spending quality time together with your spouse? What’s wanting to happen in this relationship? How am I communicating? How committed am I? Do I know my spouse’s love language? Do I speak it?

d)      In general: What is it that you really want? What’s stopping you? What are your core beliefs around that? What are your patterns? What can you do to start changing them?

In any of the above, no matter what the answers are, remember, you are always at choice, all starts with you.

I am shy

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The other day I woke up thinking of a social event we had with other parents from the school. I was replaying some moments in my mind. Those where I approached people, hugged them and asked them about their summer, holidays, etc.; the one I am most proud of is when I introduced myself to a new parent.

You may think: “What’s special about that?! Introducing myself to someone new has always been a challenge for me. My story is one of a shy person. When I tell people that I am shy, some find it hard to believe, some can see me that I am hiding a little.

While I think it’s not easy for me to walk to someone and introduce myself, I tend to wait for the super social people to come to me. I admire people who can talk to anyone. It has taken me a lot of awareness and determination to take walk to someone and start a conversation. Even with people I know, if they are talking to someone else, I am very (too) cautious, I am afraid of interrupting or bothering them. This is the real cause: FEAR. I am not an introvert, I love having great conversations and spending time with people; as well as I like and enjoy to have my space every now and then.

In a session with a coach, I was oGirl hidingnce told that in a first impression I seemed prickly. I had heard people telling me that I looked pretty cold at the beginning but when they got to know me, I looked like a completely different person: warm, kind, fun. But I had never, ever been called prickly. Wow! That hurt. It doesn’t really matter what I was told, I am not prickly, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it speaks to protection. I protect myself from being hurt, from being rejected. It speaks to my fears.

I have recently been approached by a woman who had issues in her marriage. I could see the same pattern: she was afraid of rejection, it’s a pretty common one. So, I decided to speak to that, and have compassion for her. I said things I felt needed to be said and I felt she did not like me. I felt she was looking for a solution or potion to change her husband. Although I do my best not to take it personally, it still feels as rejection. I put myself out there, I try to help and I need to let go. I need to focus on those I can help, see if there’s any learning for me in the rejections, and let go. Maybe I am not the right person to help her, maybe she needs something else. Maybe it is about me, maybe it is not.

In the past, I have tried to be someone I am not, in order for people to like me, but it doesn’t work. It feels shallow, people smile at you but they don’t trust you, there’s no real connection, because they can’t see the real you.

Furthermore, if you do not take the risk to show up, to let people see who you really are, you miss the chance for them to love you and accept you for who you are. And that is really what we long for. It is a paradox, we protect ourselves because we are afraid people won’t like us; but if we don’t show as who we are, we’re not giving them the chance to like us.

I know that “I am shy” is a story, a story I tell myself to protect me from my fears, and I know I can change my story to one of compassion with myself and courage to keep getting out of my shell and meeting new beautiful and exciting people.  The more I embrace myself as I am, with my strengths and flaws, the more comfortable I am to show up and accept that some may like me, and some may not. But being able to connect with few, is worth it.

As I said in another post, I am a work in progress.

What is possible?

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Today I was looking at my blog feeling there was nothing else to say or write about. I know this is only true if I believe it. So, I moved myself into the space of what is possible?

In coaching we use geography. We ask clients to move in order to change the energy. Often we are stuck in our negative thoughts, powerless, unable to the possibilities. But there’s always a different way to look at things, it’s like the example of a half empty/half full glass, the way we see it will depend on the person, or the mood.

When we try to accomplish things in the space of limited possibilities, the results will show. They will be average, and it will feel we have to push to get things done.

Whereas, if we can connect with the essence of what we want to achieve and why; if we can look at the sky and believe for a second that anything is possible, we get into a space of expansion and new ideas. Our projects become much more rich in quality, much easier and fun to do.

I have been in brainstorming sessions where people start throwing in ideas and others immediately respond: “This is very difficult”, “we have tried this before and it didn’t work”, “our customers will not value this”, … So what happens is that we lose momentum and people stop thinking out of the box, we are automatically limiting our possibilities.

Inside ourselves we have conversations like that: a voice trying to bring in possibilities, and another thinking of the limitations. Be aware of those conversations inside yourself and around you, and ponder this question for a while: What is possible?

Uncertainty: A Space for creation I

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It has been around three weeks since we heard the news about the company my husband works for. We are still in a place of not knowing. Not knowing how long we will be here, not knowing where we will be next.

The more we want to know, the worse it gets. When we receive some information, filtered from someone else’s point of view, we enter in doubt.

The only thing that is truly working at this point is being very centered. Being in the moment, taking care of ourselves. Choosing to embrace this situation, instead of doubt. In moments of great uncertainty it is easy to let ourselves go with doubt. Of course there are a lot of question marks, but we are always at choice, either chose staying with the doubt or to move into creating the life that we want.

In a moment where everything in our lives is in the air, with lots of question marks, it is also a moment of great possibilities. Anything could happen. Anything is possible until we’re told not to. Then, why don’t we chose to stay with the possibilities?

We grow wanting to control everything but we can’t. We feel uncomfortable with not knowing and with uncertainty. But that’s what living in the present is. We only know what’s here now. So this is a great challenge for us to live in the present, be grateful, enjoy and envision our new future, our new adventure.

I will be writing more about this experience and how it turns out…

An illusion of feeling trapped

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One of my patterns is to get very excited about something, have a lot of energy to start working on it and then stopping.

It happens especially if it is something important to me. My fears show as confusion, I have a false sense of being trapped and I find myself pushing things that seem not to work and then stopping.

The pattern is still there but I can now recognize it and quickly recover.

One of my strengths is “Bounce back”. Whatever the obstacle I come up against, it makes me more determined to succeed.

This strength is very helpful to recover when I feel trapped. The more aware I am of what’s going on, the quicker I can respond. Yesterday I was writing and fell into my pattern of confusion and feeling trapped. What I wrote seemed not clear enough and I seemed not able to write anything better, the more I tried, the worse it looked. This morning I clearly saw what was going on. The realization made me more determined and started writing again. The outcome was still not perfect, is it ever?

What matters is not what I the outcome, it is the awareness of what’s going on and taking action. Getting back on track keeps me out of the false sense of entrapment and slowly brings in more clarity.

We can all change our patterns and behaviors but doing so requires awareness. Often it requires to dig deep to find out what drives those patterns and behaviors.

You are a voice of the system

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HiResI had a dream the other day. I was with a group of people that needed to speak up or decide on something but they would not do it.

I had the urge to stand up on a table and tell them that they were a voice of the system and needed to speak. No one seemed touched or to understand and they continued with their conversations.

It made me realize that the words mean nothing if people don’t know what you’re talking about. Thus, I decided to talk a little about the voice of the system using different words.

First of all, what is a system?

A system is a group of  individuals that are interconnected to one another acting as a whole. (E.g. a team or a family).

What is the voice of the system?

It comes from is the ability to see the systems itself, instead of the individuals.

It is the ability to shift from a personal perspective to a systems perspective, where we speak to something that lives in the system.

In other words, in a situation where people are complaining. Those complains may be personal, about what does not work for them. However, if we take the perspective of the system, we will see frustration, some things may have been overlooked and not spoken, the system may need some change.

Next time you feel reluctant to say something because you think it’s only about you or you are afraid to hurt someone. Take a look around and ask yourself what’s trying to happen? It will help you move from your “story” to the Intelligence of the System (The Third Entity™). You may be able to express it in better terms and more confidently.

You are a voice of the system. Think about one of the systems you are part of. What needs to be said?

Based on ORSC™

HOW TO STOP PROCASTINATING

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Have you ever found yourself procrastinating? Even when you knew exactly what you wanted? Procrastination is often caused by fear, lack of self confidence or perfectionism.

Some of the most common fears are:

  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of being rejected
  • Fear of being judged
  • Fear of intimacy
  • Fear of expressing true feelings

Fear of failure is the most common in procastination.

How to stop procrastinating

  • The first step is to ask ourselves: what is really going on here?
  • If we noticed we are afraid, we then ask ourselves: what am I afraid of?
  • Once you have identified your fear, ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that could happen? And keep going deeper and deeper, don’t stop with the first simple answer. Keep adding to the fear: and what would happen then? The more in touch you get with your fears, the better (for the purpose of the exercise).
  • We tend to avoid our fears. Whereas, we need to embrace them, let them inform us. Otherwise they run our actions (or lack of them). By acknowledging and embracing our fears, we take charge.

Once you have the information you need you will see things more clearly. It is then the time to ask yourself what are you going to do about it and get back into ACTION.

Go for your dreams!

Note: If you can’t do this exercise on your own, find yourself a partner to work with, preferably someone who’s a good listener and wants to help you. If the fear is very strong, it may take you longer. You may need to work on several layers until you get to the core of your biggest fear.

The vision of 4 Executives

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Cheerful employerFour Executives on Succeeding in Business as a Woman I found this article in The New York Times by By ADAM BRYANT very interesting.  He interviews 4 successful business women who share their perspectives on the leadership challenges for women.

From the 4 points of view, there seemst to be at least one very important common issue:

The reluctancy of women to speak up. Girls are taught to be good girls and as women tehy struggle to speak when it is needed or are afraid of confrontation. These 4 women stress the importance to stand up for what we believe with conviction and courage and to show up in our full range. Other ideas presented in this article are:

  • Leaders in organizations need to make sure organizations are receptive to the diversity of voices.
  • Women should not seek for external validation or approval, but find it in themselves and be surrounded by people who enjoy what they do.
  • Adjusting the message to the audience (in their examples: men). May need to be more specific or starighforward and balance the emotions.
  • How women seem to have better instincts and intuition and understand better team dynamics.
  • Awareness shows in the article when the need to stop and think is mentioned, in the examples of how girls are educated and in our role as women to talk more about glass ceilings for the new generations.
  • The importance to find the balance between talking to people and drawing the line or setting clear boundaries.
  • Being nice and kind does not mean that women can’t have ambition and drive. Majorice Kaplan says: «It is powerful to chose to be nice»

My intake today is to be even more aware of my role as a mother and how I educate my daughter to be herself, be confident and speak up when needed. Show up girls!

Integrity

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Yesterday I wrote about being a leader anywhere in your life. I gave some examples of visionary people, passionate people. But one of them was the center of a controversy. There were some questions around misappropriation of money and lack of transparency.

I am glad it came up, because it made me reflected about something very important in leadership and to me: Integrity.

What is integrity, anyway?

I googled it:

  1. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
  2. 2.    the state of being whole and undivided.

The second one resonates more with me: integrity is about being coherent. But coherent with what? As a person, with your values, with what you stand for. In an organization it’s also about being coherent with your policies, standards, values, mission statement…

For instance, imagine a company that has travel policies. Everybody has to follow those policies. But some don’t. They bend the rules for personal benefit. People in the company are aware of it (let’s face it, when we try to keep a secret, it spreads even faster). The behavior is still allowed.

Another example: There are strict policies around working hours. But there’s one manager who always gets to work late and leaves early, one day after another.

Why isn’t such behavior stopped?

Often because there’s a lack of focus. The values, standards, mission statement, etc. are blurred by the vision of something else (money, ego, personal preferences, other important things to care about…). Therefore, the impact of allowing this behavior is not assessed.

What is the cost in an organization to allow such behavior?

When we allow this behavior, we’re sending a very clear and loud message: “It’s ok to break the rules as long as … (we make money, you are the boss, etc.)». It is a much stronger message than any policy, standard of formal statement. We are promoting dishonesty an unethical behavior and automatically decreasing the motivation and performance of the rest of employees.

As a result, people who are trying to do what’s right get disappointed. They may stop trusting managers, they may eventually leave or be mentally absent at work. In other people it promotes unethical and dishonest behavior.

I have used policies and rules as examples, it helps to use examples. Howeer, it’s about any kind of decisions we make. We need to be coherent with what’s really important in the situation, for ourselves, and the organization we represent.

We must not forget: We set the standards, we lead with example.

If we cannot do that, we may be good managers. But we’re not good leaders. that is, people will say yes because they feel obliged. But when they turn around, they may do something else, or they will not perform as well because they are not engaged. Whereas, with leaders, people follow because they TRUST.

It is easy to gain trust, but it is very difficult to gain it back when it’s lost. A wrong decision can have a huge impact. So, let’s be mindful.

Leaders outside the organization

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It is common to relate leadership with organizations, especially in the coaching world. But we can all be leaders in any area of our life. We may lead actions to help people in need; we may lead with example as parents; we may lead when we stand up to defend our rights; and so forth.

In this blog we’re going to look at what leadership from a different angle.

Here are some characteristics of a leader that commonly found in people who don’t have a hierarchical leadership position:

  • Clear visions that are compelling, they inspire others-
  • Ability to connect with people, are compassionate and understand others:
  • Model, lead with example, they set the tone and the standards.
  • Do what’s needed for themselves and the systems they are part of.

Inspiring leaders:

Everybody knows the stories of exceptional leaders like Mahatma Ghandi or Martin Luther King Jr.; who had a dream and both did what they felt was needed to make it happen.

However, to be a leader there’s no need to do big things, we can start with small things, a step at a time, with purpose. A couple of not so known leaders whose story touched me are:

Greg Mortenson was a mountaineer who in a failed attempt to climb K2 stayed in a Pakistan village. He was moved by the people’s kindness and promised to return and build a school. He returned and he built the school and many more after that. His story is told in the wonderful book: Three Cups of Tea. One man’s Mission to Promote Peace… One School at a Time. Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin.*

Madeline Cartwright: A principal in one elementary school who transformed it from a dilapidated school in a very poor and dangerous area, into a gleaming education success. She started with small but significant actions, like cleaning the floor of the boys bathroom herself, to get rid of the stench in the hallways. She organized a fundraising to buy a washing machine and collect clothes for the children at school. She believed that if kids felt dirty and unattended, it would affect their learning performance. She believed the school could be better, and she took actions, inspiring others. For the children, lessons from a visionary principal; Madeline Cartwright.

There are many examples of leaders in our everyday lives, who make a real difference. If we all chose to make a small contribution, overall the impact will be significant.

If you’re compelled, look around for what’s needed and start doing a little something today that will make a difference around you.

*Note: There is controversy around Mr. Mortenson, there may have been lack of transparency in his foundation. I realize this example may not be the a “perfect” one. However, the story and the book are still inspiring. The controversy is a reminder of how important transparency and integrity are in leadership. Those issues should not stop us from doing well intended things; they remind us to strive for transparency and integrity.